Eating disorders are usually seen as someone who is anorexic and extremely thin, or someone who obviously struggles with bulimia. As a young adult I suffered from eating disorders, I was very thin and dr’s said I was on the verge of anorexia. As time went on my weight stabilized, and it seemed like I was free of my past struggles. I won’t get into much detail of my eating disorder past, this post is about today. 

I have been overweight a few times in my life, the last time before now was in 2013 when I started this blog. Once I got my weight under control it seemed like my obsessive guilty thoughts about food went away, until I gained half my weight back in 2017. When someone looks at someone like me, they never connect I can have an eating disorder. I’ve weighed much more and I’ve weighed much less, but no matter how much I weigh; my eating disorder past comes back when I’m vulnerable and weak, or when life throws me curveballs.

I haven’t been consistent on this blog because I go silent when I struggle.  I’m embarrassed that I’m failing and lost all I worked so hard for. I get motivated and then struggles occur, and again I go silent. I have trouble admitting it’s so hard for me this time around. I’ve been down, then I see people going through much more than me and then I feel ashamed. It’s a vicious circle and I’m desperately looking to get on a more positive path. I want to keep trying until I get it right, I think from now on I’m going to share my ups and downs, my in between and the good and the bad; my middle of my journey. Since January I lost 10 lbs, my current weight is 180. The scale won’t continue to drop until I get myself and my diet and exercise on point consistently. I’m in the gray area, a little stuck and trying to push myself back to living in a Technicolor world.

Food is such a struggle for me. Most people love a good meal, and so do I. The difference is my thoughts about food. I eat healthy most of the time, I probably don’t eat enough. I’m vegan and I eat Whole Foods and plant-based. Once in a while I make a home cooked vegan meal, like spaghetti or a holiday meal. I always overeat spaghetti even if it’s a healthy type of pasta. My husband remarks how good he feels after such a meal, I only feel guilt and disgust. This started again Easter weekend. Special meals make me feel like a failure, so I don’t post here because no one wants to read about someone on a weight loss journey who is faltering. When I eat clean I feel in control, when I eat for pleasure I feel sick after. Not all foods make me feel like this, but spaghetti and holiday meals always leave me on the opposite side of balanced. Afterwards I have trouble getting back on track.

Life has not been smooth here in Texas for the last two years, I won’t get into why but I will say things are really improving. I’m on the verge of really starting over, I just need to get over small hurdles that keep coming my way. My confidence is shot and I need to work on getting it back. I need to work on my food issues, and realized sometimes I can be an emotional eater. I need to get more consistent with all of my workouts because it’s the key to balance. I know what I need to do, I just need to start and not keep stopping. 

Here is a picture of one of my inspirations in life. A beautiful couple I knew from the gym in West Hollywood, CA. She’s a holocaust survivor who’s lived on every continent but one. Every time they saw me they remarked I should be on tv. I always remarked back I needed to lose weight. She always told me embrace your health, when one gets sick they get skinny. Be happy you are healthy. I’m going to really try to work on my health, wellness and fitness. I won’t go silent when I’m struggling. I will try to post the good, the bad and the ugly. I love life-like my friend did, and I’m going to live it as she did and forgive my shortcomings. Love and light to all. 

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

The Shawshank Redemption