Category Archives: body image

Weight Watchers Online

Sometimes you need help and guidance. I recently started working out with my personal trainer Bethany, my best friend Melissa Benderfitness has amazing fitness and yoga videos I follow, but I was struggling with food. I finally caved in after realizing I can’t do it alone and I joined Weight Watchers Online and downloaded the app. They now call themselves WW and their latest program is called freestyle. It focuses on good nutrition but no food is outlawed.

I’m vegan but occasionally I like vegan fun foods, I can lose weight, have my vegan cake and eat it too. Portion control will help me feel in control, and I will learn to focus again on clean nutrition but not freak out if I have a little vegan treat once in a while. For me WW gives me power over food, anyone who suffers eating disorders understands the power food can have over you. I can’t live like that any longer. Today is my day two and I feel great. This program is livable and sustainable.

My  journey includes fitness. I am doing cardio five to six days a week. I’m working out with my trainer once a week, but soon as I learn what she’s teaching me I will do the workouts 2-3 times a week plus Melissa Benderfitness videos and yoga. I’m on this. I try to do my cardio outdoors when I can, there’s nothing like mobile meditation with nature as your backdrop. Below is me in May 2017 right before my Mom passed away and our move from LA to Houston.  I was in great shape, I did it once, I’m going to do it again. 

Well I’m off for now. I picked a charity for my next ten pound weight loss. I will post soon, I want to use the laptop for that so I can include all of their links. Monday I weighed in at 184.4. It’s ok, I got this. Love and Light to all. We are on this journey together, we can lift each other up as we each go about trying to reach our destinations. The journey is the reward. 

 

 

 

WEIGHT LOSS STRUGGLES

Eating disorders are usually seen as someone who is anorexic and extremely thin, or someone who obviously struggles with bulimia. As a young adult I suffered from eating disorders, I was very thin and dr’s said I was on the verge of anorexia. As time went on my weight stabilized, and it seemed like I was free of my past struggles. I won’t get into much detail of my eating disorder past, this post is about today. 

I have been overweight a few times in my life, the last time before now was in 2013 when I started this blog. Once I got my weight under control it seemed like my obsessive guilty thoughts about food went away, until I gained half my weight back in 2017. When someone looks at someone like me, they never connect I can have an eating disorder. I’ve weighed much more and I’ve weighed much less, but no matter how much I weigh; my eating disorder past comes back when I’m vulnerable and weak, or when life throws me curveballs.

I haven’t been consistent on this blog because I go silent when I struggle.  I’m embarrassed that I’m failing and lost all I worked so hard for. I get motivated and then struggles occur, and again I go silent. I have trouble admitting it’s so hard for me this time around. I’ve been down, then I see people going through much more than me and then I feel ashamed. It’s a vicious circle and I’m desperately looking to get on a more positive path. I want to keep trying until I get it right, I think from now on I’m going to share my ups and downs, my in between and the good and the bad; my middle of my journey. Since January I lost 10 lbs, my current weight is 180. The scale won’t continue to drop until I get myself and my diet and exercise on point consistently. I’m in the gray area, a little stuck and trying to push myself back to living in a Technicolor world.

Food is such a struggle for me. Most people love a good meal, and so do I. The difference is my thoughts about food. I eat healthy most of the time, I probably don’t eat enough. I’m vegan and I eat Whole Foods and plant-based. Once in a while I make a home cooked vegan meal, like spaghetti or a holiday meal. I always overeat spaghetti even if it’s a healthy type of pasta. My husband remarks how good he feels after such a meal, I only feel guilt and disgust. This started again Easter weekend. Special meals make me feel like a failure, so I don’t post here because no one wants to read about someone on a weight loss journey who is faltering. When I eat clean I feel in control, when I eat for pleasure I feel sick after. Not all foods make me feel like this, but spaghetti and holiday meals always leave me on the opposite side of balanced. Afterwards I have trouble getting back on track.

Life has not been smooth here in Texas for the last two years, I won’t get into why but I will say things are really improving. I’m on the verge of really starting over, I just need to get over small hurdles that keep coming my way. My confidence is shot and I need to work on getting it back. I need to work on my food issues, and realized sometimes I can be an emotional eater. I need to get more consistent with all of my workouts because it’s the key to balance. I know what I need to do, I just need to start and not keep stopping. 

Here is a picture of one of my inspirations in life. A beautiful couple I knew from the gym in West Hollywood, CA. She’s a holocaust survivor who’s lived on every continent but one. Every time they saw me they remarked I should be on tv. I always remarked back I needed to lose weight. She always told me embrace your health, when one gets sick they get skinny. Be happy you are healthy. I’m going to really try to work on my health, wellness and fitness. I won’t go silent when I’m struggling. I will try to post the good, the bad and the ugly. I love life-like my friend did, and I’m going to live it as she did and forgive my shortcomings. Love and light to all. 

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

The Shawshank Redemption

 

 

 

WEIGH IN DAY

Happy Monday to all. It is spring and Easter week. A time for rebirth. I weighed in this morning and I stayed at 183 lbs, which is fine for me. My food choices have been erratic and I ate vegan processed foods and skipped meals. I didn’t plan and I realized how important it is to plan going forward. 

I am beginning to do some meal prepping and I started bringing food with me to work, no more eating at midnight after work. I’m really planning on focusing on my nutrition and getting in most of Dr Greger’s Daily Dozen. I’m also keeping a food journal, I started yesterday. 

I’m starting completely over with my weight loss and my fitness journey. My past successes and past failures mean nothing to me now. I’m looking forward and my number one goal is health and fitness. I admit to feeling terrible about gaining half my weight back. My ego is bruised, I feel the f word and it doesn’t feel good. So today I begin with a healthy narrative,  only positive vocabulary. No fat shaming myself, no more feeling like a big fat ugly failure.

I’m focusing on the beauty that is life and the wonderful opportunities I have because I am alive. I’m moving forward with kindness for myself. I live with a kindness motto but I’ve been less than kind to me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m going to really try to be on this blog daily and share everything. 

This was yesterday’s food journal. My work days will look like this, for me it’s easier to keep it simple on my work days. Cooking and experimenting with recipes will be saved for days off. I plan to have one vegan cheat day ( within reason) once a week. This week my cheat day is Easter Sunday.  The food journal below was around 1,500 calories and over 60 grams of protein. I’m starting this all again, same blog since 2013 but with a vegan brand new vibe. Up next, my new fitness journey. Treat yourself kind as you begin to be healthy.

Namaste, love and Light

Breakfast:

Vegan protein bar, coffee with soy creamer and 1 tablespoon Black strap molasses.

Lunch

Smoothie with 8 oz. organic soy milk, 2 cups spinach, 1/2 cup berries, half banana, 1 tbs flax seed, 2 tbs peanut butter, 1/2 cup carrots.  Half cup of unsalted garbanzo beans.

Dinner

2 cups romaine, 1/2 cup tomatoes, 1/4 cup red onions, 1 baked potato, 1/2 cup garbanzo beans. Topped with red wine vinegar and 1 tablespoon of champagne vinaigrette.

Snack

1 slice low sodium Ezekiel bread with 1 tablespoon Polaner all fruit strawberry spread.

Lots of water and fresh lemon.

 

HOUSTON FOOD BANK DRIVE

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” 

— Mahatma Gandhi

Happy Saturday. I love that quote. I am finding myself again, getting fit and losing weight as I give back to those who need it. I am collecting cans for the Houston Food Bank as my next ten pound charity. I will be volunteering and delivering the cans on September 15th 2018. I already have over a box of can goods. 

Losing weight is not super easy for me, and I found out I have hypothyroidism. That is the reason I chose September as my volunteer date. I am travelling and I need some time to collect as many cans while I am home and time to actually get the weight off. I will post later what I am doing to lose weight and get fit. This is not my first rodeo so I got this. The only difference this time is I live a plant-based lifestyle, and I am mostly vegan. I say mostly vegan because it is a learning process for me. 

My birthday is in less than six months, and I plan to be the person I wish to be on that date. Healthier, fitter, happier, and using my time to help those who need it most. I am not doing this for appearance sake. It is so easy to get wrapped up in images in today’s world. Images we see of others and images of ourselves. I am a mere soul inhabiting a body which is my shell. I will treat my shell as a temple and not trash it, but I understand the image my shell portrays to the world is not the essence of me. I understand I must take care of my body to be able to express my love and giving to others. My essence is my soul but I cannot share that if I live in a body which is unhealthy and unfit. 

People have suggested I start a Youtube Channel to document my journey. I am marinating on that idea and looking into ways to do it until I would be able to get proper equipment. I am open to suggestions.

Happy Saturday

Rose

 

Happy Saturday to all. 

 

STARTING OVER

Happy Thursday and happy health to all.

I had an epiphany yesterday. I have been held back by my ego, my vision and memories of all my weight loss success I had on this blog. I was really doing it, than life literally kicked me in the caboose.

To move forward I have to realize it is for my health and fitness, and accept I slipped. I need to quit focusing on my appearance and do it because it is what I love and the end reward is health. Of course looking great is a bonus but I am not going to put the emphasis on my appearance. Looking at photos from one year ago just makes me sad and stagnate. I finally had my husband James take new before photos and I plan to really get to work on my fitness. These are the only before photos I will take for three months. 

It has been a year and I gained thirty of the sixty pounds I lost. I also lost my fit body because honestly I have not lifted a weight in a year and my cardio sessions have not been consistent. I own it all and now I am starting completely brand new. This blog is now my new journey with my starting weight of 188 lbs.

We got some bad news the past week,more than one bout with bad news. That’s the thing about bad news when it is about other people than yourself, you have to keep it private even on a public forum as a blog. So not only am I starting over, I am starting over after life decided to kick but again. It is ok, kick me down and I will stand back up. 

My tools for working out this time around are simple. Melissa Bender Fitness, my hubby James who works out daily, and the gym and pool where I live. Everything else is up to me this time around. Making it happen this time after all of the challenges is going to mean so much more. I am not yet on hypothyroidism meds and I am trying to tackle this without it for now.

Here are the photos, no more shame. I own this and will succeed round two. I admit looking at these brings tears to my eyes. That is motivation enough to push hard. Thank you to all for the support and I hope I can start losing weight again and help some charities along the way. Love, light and truth. 

WEIGH IN DAY

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Good Morning to all, and what a beautiful Monday it is here in West Hollywood. I am off today and tomorrow, wrapping up my days of cat sitting two beautiful Lilac Siamese. Noodles and Peaches are my other Siamese loves, and my cats have been missing me so it will be time to go home. 

It is weigh in day and I am so happy I stayed the same at 159 lbs, I skipped the last few weeks. My scale broke, and I got frustrated with things. I am still 24 lbs to goal, and with everything going on in my life I admit to having just a few cheat days. Friday night I ate a huge tuna sub from subway, and I definitely felt ill the day after. It made me realize that my eating plan is not just about weight and appearance. It is about how I feel, my health and well-being. I had heartburn for the first time in a very long time, and I didn’t even recognize the symptoms. If you can see from the graph above I have plateaued again since February, but that is ok, No  weight gains is great for me.

I decided on Sunday to get back on track, still counting my points but going back to an anti-inflammation diet and every Monday I can deviate just a little. That way I am eating not to lose weight only, but to continue to feel good and energetic. Mondays will be the only day I consume things like flour. I believe in this type of program but I also know it is good to allow treats and deviations, just not all the time.

Here is a link to a good list of food for this type of eating from Melissa Bender Fitness.  http://www.benderfitness.com/2017/01/anti-inflammatory-diet-grocery-list.html

Today I am reveling in the fact the scale stayed the same. I feel good, and I will not be deviating this day because I am getting back on track. Next Monday will be my semi cheat day. Today it is all non processed foods with lots of produce.

My knee is healing and I feel my shoulder is too, so soon I will hit the pavement running again and start my work out schedule. I decided to rest so I would not be down for the count for longer than need be. I listened to my body even though I wanted to ignore it, and I am feeling so much better now. I have weaned myself off any pain pills for my knee too, I do not need them anymore and they made me feel awful. The last few weeks I have been walking but that is it. It is hard to slow down but I am healing.

That is all for today. I am going to go down to the pool and take a dip, or if it is too cold go in the jacuzzi.  I am celebrating that the scale stayed the same, it will be much easier now to get back on track.

It’s a lifestyle not a diet. Love and Light to all.

Rose

 

NOT A NUMBER

 

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What is a number? Are we defined by numbers? Think about it, how many times a day does someone ask for your bank number, your credit number, your age, weight and phone number? Do we have names or numbers? I admit sometimes I wonder if people think differently about me after I share with them my age number. I admit to being so excited about my weight loss and the fact I finally weigh in the 150’s. Does that mean I am different than what I once was? There is a fine line between past and present, here and then. At the end I choose to be Rose. Not better but not worse, just the same me who is just so grateful to see yet another day. I’m just getting stronger and healthier. I will never lose sight of any of my dreams and goals just because society has deemed me a number. Names not numbers.

Rose Bruno Bailey

 

Happy Monday to all. Monday is my Saturday, since I am off Mondays and Tuesdays. It is also my weigh in day, and the day I allow a little wiggle room into my healthy eating plan after I jump on the scale. Today my treat of choice is Russian Chocolate Coffee Cake from Canter’s Deli in Los Angeles. They bake everything homemade and the Russian Chocolate Coffee Cake is my favorite. Of course with some delicious cinnamon coffee from Dunkin Donuts my day is dusted with sugar and spice and everything that is nice about the simpler moments of life. A little quiet time to enjoy my treat, and retreat into the cavern of my mind and do a little writing. Even the most extroverted person needs a bit of solace found in silence.

Weigh in day, my updates have been the same for over a month. It seems my body has decided 159 feels good, 159 feels strong. My body is telling me to get off the scale and focus on fitness; work on your running, flexibility and yoga practice and I will get back to you when I am good and ready. That is the message I am getting from my body after one month of stepping on a scale that is not cooperating. I have finally deciphered the translation in the numbers, get off the scale and get moving.  YOU ARE NOT THIS NUMBER. 

Message heard loud and clear. I am not a number. I am still going to pay attention to the scale, because even in maintaining weight loss it is good to know where you stand; just don’t stand on the scale more than once a week. Jump on, mentally record where you are and get moving. This week I am back to focusing on my fitness now that my toe is on the mend. I have also found a way to do my Yoga Sun Salutations without injuring my rotator cuff any further, and I will post about it in a few weeks. 

I love life, and that means loving the body I am in. I am not chasing a new body, but a body that is stronger and healthier to allow me to achieve all of the goals I set for myself and to keep living my best life.

I have come a long way from where I was in 2013 and I am grateful, and I will continue on this journey; losing weight without getting to caught up on the numbers on the scale. The numbers are there to guide me, but not to define me.

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Love and Light and Happy Monday,

Rose 17308904_1436309309747864_4383739146682615547_n

INJURY AND BODY IMAGE ISSUES

Happy Saturday to all. I am about to drink this delicious Cinnamon Dunkin Donuts coffee with my ThinkThin Protein Bar. Yesterday after my run at the park we discovered they are opening a brand new Trader Joe’s right next to the park. That is such a game changer for me. I can go run on the track at the park, and shop for a healthy dinner at my favorite grocery store. I love Trader Joe’s.17105711_10154962767403617_1649281781_n17125017_10154962776603617_308116148_n

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We bought the coffee at Target, and we did a little shopping after my run and walk. I was so hungry so we stopped at Jersey Mikes, and we each had a mini Turkey Sub on whole wheat. It was so delicious and satisfying and 12 points. A little high considering it was a mini but it was really delicious and worth it. I had plenty of points for the day so all was well with the world. 17105402_10154962763878617_739443869_n (1)

We stopped at the famous Formosa and took a few selfies. The Formosa is a Hollywood Landmark and I am so sorry to say has recently closed. The Formosa was known for being a place where the stars went late nights for drinks and Chinese Food. 17101914_10154962763633617_643638916_n

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I am at my lowest weight since I began my blog at 159 lbs, and I decided for fun to try on some workout pants and a few dresses at Target when I was there. I remember right before I started my blog and weight loss journey I tried on clothes at this same Target location, and they had the two-way mirror. I remember how devastated I was about how I looked, and I admit going back in that same dressing room gave me a lot of anxiety. I still have issues with body image and I don’t always realize how far I have come. I don’t think I will shop for clothes there again.

The dresses were large size and they seemed to be more than one size too big. The workout pants were a little big, and the small tank was just right. In that same rear view mirror I saw my upper arms and I realized I lost a lot of muscle since I injured my rotator cuff. I need to find a way to detail my workouts and tone my arms without injuring my shoulder any further.I admit I hurt it pretty bad, and I am not healed. At the same time I want to continue on.

I do my workouts four days a week after work and I would prefer to do the same workouts each time for at least a month, and then switch it up. I am reaching out to Melissa Bender at Benderfitness to see what she thinks I should be doing. I felt a lot of those same feeling I felt years ago in that very same dressing room, This time I felt like a failure because my arms were so strong and lean and now with my injury I am starting all over in that area. I need to get it back. 

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Moving forward. I am going to figure this out and heal and get my strength back. I am getting small but so many of my goals are about so much more than my size and the scale.  I have fitness goals, and a fitness bucket list I wish to tackle. I am always thinking ahead, but I also know it is about the daily work. I have a lot of hard work to do, one day at a time. I will continue with my training schedule that includes my workouts, my walks, my runs, and my yoga. Today is work, walking, and a workout tonight.

We tend do be our hardest critics. I will try to lighten up on myself and keep at my schedule and my goals. One day at a time. I practice kindness but not on myself, that still needs to change after all of these years. I will look to the beauty of the trees for inspiration. They are strong and graceful despite the storms that come their way. The are the ultimate survivors and our original mentors. I will pay attention and emulate their lessons.

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Happy Saturday,

Rose