It rained again today, and my mood is mimicking this dismal weather of late. I was walking home from my commute and a car splashed me with rain water, as I carried my wet broken bag of groceries home, soaked if not by rain water but by my own falling tears. I did not feel like myself. I admit I miss the eternal sun of Los Angeles, the smiling faces of the people of West Hollywood. Since this move from LA to The San Francisco Bay Area I have not been the same. I am being challenged in a way I have not been challenged since I began this project and blog. My husband James is working a high stress position and with that comes a lot of hours at the office, and I am also forced to work a lot more due to the insane cost of living here. I wait tables for extra money and the place I am working now is a lot more hours, and a lot more physical than I have done in quite some years. I still have not picked the poems for my poetry book, nor have I had my injured toe looked at. I have put myself last once again.
I am having a hard time balancing my blog, my fitness, and my new lifestyle that I have built for myself in the past year and a half. I feel my spirit is slipping away from me, and in it’s place is this shell of a person working for a pine colored piece of paper. My shoulder aches from the heavy cumbersome trays and my heart is following suit. I was on the train today reading Yoga Journal and all I wanted to do is sign up for Yoga Teacher Training. My goal is to eventually get to all of my fitness milestones and work in fitness. I felt incredibly melancholic that I was off to, excuse my slang, “sling hash” to the masses vs. going to work to do something I love. Do not get be wrong, I am blessed to be able to earn the extra money we need to live here but I was worried my project would be sacrificed due to having to find a new routine with a lot more hours and strain on my body. I actually had a meltdown, full blown cry me a river of tears kind of meltdown.
There was a dog loose at the train station, running in the rain away from his owner. I tried to help catch him, as did everyone but he kept running so fast no one could keep up. On my way home he was still running, and animal rescue was after him with a net. Poor pup was terrified and running with no where to go. I often feel like that when I work a ton of hours, like I am running an endless marathon to empty destinations. I pray they catch him and he is now safe, dry and home with his family. Running away isn’t always the best option, for animal or human. I am searching myself for that balance of freedom and routine.
So here I type away, sharing some of my issues as I maneuver my mind and body within this new home of mine. A good friend of mine today gave me wonderful advice. Her name is LorenaLopez@Buzzforbrands. She told me it is ok to feel bad, just don’t live there. So here I am feeling bad for a moment or two, but I will pick myself off, stretch out the worn muscles and heal my heart and find my way back home.The only home I have known, the home of love, light and endless possibilities