Tag Archives: eating disorders


Take a laxative. Someone I know said that to me when I was discussing my Monday morning weigh in. It’s an old school way of prepping for the scale, something I’m all too familiar with from back in my teen years. It was probably a half joke and half serious statement, most dieters in bygone eras went to drastic measurements to reduce their size. What’s frightening is for a nano second I contemplated running to the grocery store after work to do just that.  

I didn’t buy laxatives, these days I understand the goal of losing weight is health, wellness and fitness. My scale is my guideline and my focus is on my fitness, my strength, flexibility and endurance. I understand working out combined with healthy eating can change the way I look, but more importantly; how I feel. I weigh myself to be accountable, and I believe it’s so important to get to a healthy BMI. I’m a work in progress, and sometimes those die-hard warped eating disorder thoughts creep in.   I recognize them, and I take action to lose weight with a healthy state of mind, mindset is so important when setting goals and choosing happiness.  

i lost another pound and my weight is currently 177 lbs. The changes on the scale are slow, and that’s perfect for me. I’m looking to change my lifestyle for good, not in some  unhealthy crash diet shortcut or in ways that could damage my health. I joined WW online because tracking helps me stay the course, and it helps keep me from obsessing about food. It’s so wonderful for someone like me, it keeps me from extreme dieting and bingeing. I’m losing weight for myself, and I’m accountable to the charity I picked, which keeps me really on point. I’m really looking forward to going to Henry’s Home and Horse Sanctuary. I’m really looking forward to progressing into the best version of myself. No laxatives, no weight loss crutches; only good old-fashioned hard work, sweat and a little patience. 


Comfort in the form of fruits and veggies

I am about to ramble on about food issues. Today was a challenging day, I have plateaued and it is frustrating me. On top of that I was out and about today and I walked past a sub shop and came this close to giving in. Instead I ducked out of the rain and had a few sips of a Starbucks Hot Cocoa and threw the rest in the trash. I feel a bit on the brink of being out of control. I ate a baked potato tonight and I am even guilty about that. It is that eating disorder devil that sits on my shoulder every now and then and taunts me. Food is an issue with me and I have been trying to eat more but I admit it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have been adding a second morning light meal and I am not sure I should continue to do so. I have thought about going low carbohydrate for a few weeks to mix things up.

I did a yoga class and I am about to get on the treadmill now. I need to work through this food anxiety. The thing with me is I normally do not give into food cravings, and I rarely have them. Today I just felt overwhelmed and could have been on the brink of overeating.  Weigh in is a few days away and it does not escape me that I am struggling just to make it into the 160’s and my final goal is 130. I am still a good four pounds away from my next charity. 

So I am off to do the treadmill, and hopefully work out some of this negative banter within my chaotic mind. I will be in Phoenix soon and I want to go feeling confident and strong and in control.

 Here is my food journal for today. In addition I drink tons of water. I think tomorrow I will have the tuna minus the rice and skip the oatmeal and instead have some egg whites. No potato, especially at night.

7 am
1 ThinkThin high protein bar
1 banana
coffee non dairy cream and 1 tsp sugar

10 am
1 packet sugar free oatmeal

sushi, 1 tuna roll with rice, tuna, avocado, ginger, wasabi

5 pm
a few sips of Starbucks Hot cocoa

One baked potato, with 1 tsp light butter, and 1 tsp fat free sour cream
1 97% lean burger 110 cal
romaine, celery, onions, carrots, cabbage with vinegar

I feel today was a bit much for me, I am scaling it down tomorrow.

Good Night to all
Sweet Dreams


Good Saturday Morning to all. I am up early for a weekend, having a light breakfast before getting my cardio in this morning. I am either going to head outdoors and run/walk or head on the treadmill depending on how cool it is when I step outside. I just weighed in, and I lost a half a pound but I am still in the same weight range. It was that time this month, and I admit I ate more sodium than usual and skipped a meal here and there. 

This week I will feed my body the nutrition it needs to get in my five-six days of movement. I have decided to concentrate more on the exercise effort and try not to be such a slave to the scale. I am 175 exactly, and it can be frustrating to have such a slow weigh loss but I know that is ok. Slow is better than not at all, and 175 looks much better to me than 207. This week I will focus on nutrition for fueling my workouts, and strength, flexibility and stamina. I have just challenged myself and I accept and I am raring to go. 

This week was the 30 year anniversary of the death of Karen Carpenter, who passed away from cardiac arrest due to her years of  battling Anorexia Nervosa.  I did not know that earlier this week when I started feeling like I wanted to listen to her melancholy tunes, her haunting melodies are like no other. She had a voice that was one in a million. That made me do a little research about her. When she passed in 1983 little was known about eating disorders. She had suffered from Anorexia for years, and when you see her in photos and live television appearances it is shocking how frail she appears. Now much more is known about the two eating disorders, and sadly her death brought awareness to the diseases. 

When I started dancing at 13, an adult director told me to lose 30 lbs, and that began years of strange dieting and deprivation of food. Ironically enough I began my issues around the same time Karen Carpenter passed away, but I had no idea and that was not what started my battle.

I just wanted to be thin, not realizing I already was thin. I fought my own body type. I am built like Italian women often are, I have curves in my chest and bottom but when I was younger I did not. I did not have breasts, and I thought that was how dancers looked and I continued on with my diligent dieting. Once I starved for four days and took a box of laxatives, I must have been about twenty at the time. When I was 18 a doctor told my Mother I was heading down the dark path of Anorexia, but my weight seemed normal to her for my age and height so it was never addressed. People did not know then what they do now. Now eating disorders are treated similar to problems with addiction. I knew a bulimic girl who attended a 12 step program to help fight her battle.

Here are some younger photos of myself. Note I fought to be in this weight range, my lowest was 100 pounds. I have learned my lessons and now I nurture my temple.

early 20’s

Sister Dona on my left with a friend. I think  was 19, I am totally flat chested, lol.

Mid 20’s too thin and no color at all. The jacket is wearing me, it is all shoulder pads, lol.

Somewhere along the line I stopped the starving rituals, and I really began eating more normally when I met my husband James at the age of 30. I realized I met someone who loved me for who I was, someone who thought I was more beautiful on the inside than the outside. I will never forget the simple moment of going for an ice cream sundae with him in Cleveland, Ohio in 1998. Before he came along I hated eating with someone I was interested in.

Through the years as my weight when up and down I would go back to extreme dieting. I did not starve like I did in my young years, but I would still practice other forms of deprivation and extreme dieting. Now, I have to monitor my potassium. Just the after affects of years of doing that to my body.

Ironically enough I would end up really overweight in 2013. Here I am in 2014, after gaining the most weight ever in 2013 I have lost 33 pounds the sane and healthy way. I am on a path of learning what it feels like to treat my body as a temple, not only for aesthetic reasons but for my health and well being. So, on my weigh in day as I ponder the scale staying almost the same, I will revel in the fact that I am stronger than I was yesterday, and each and every day is a new beginning. With the inspiration of the athletes of the Olympics, and many of my amazing friends I have in my corner I am more motivated now than ever. I will also focus on the gratitude I have for those motivating me as I continue my health and well being journey. I could not go it alone.

Since it is taking some time to get to my next ten pound milestone and my next charity I have decided in the meantime to give more back in between charities. My friend Meagan and I are going back to Alexandria House this coming Wednesday with some delicious goodies for the families who reside there for the Valentines holiday. We are going Wednesday night and staying for dinner. I look forward to the visit and I am thankful again to Seasons 52 for offering to donate mini indulgences to take along with our homemade baked goods. A big thanks to Monica, Chef Jessica, Chef Veronica, Meagan, and all the managers of Seasons 52 in Century City California who have gone beyond to help me give back.

Valentine’s day is all about love.
Off for the day, much love and light to you.
Remember you are a beautiful creature of the universe, just the way you are.


My best friend Melissa Bender from Melissa Bender Fitness knows all about my past issues with eating disorders, and the fact that the warped mentality tends to sneak up on me from time to time. I have not starved since my twenties, and I have been pretty much ok. Dieting and eating healthy sometimes brings out the obsessive dieter out of me, and she told me I could be developing Orthorexia.  This was over one year ago when she thought she saw the signs in me.

Now that I am doing this project, of course old habits die hard and I can see the signs once again. I recognize it therefore I will correct it. I thought I would include a definition of what exactly Orthorexia is.  The panic I felt after eating two garlic knots was not normal, and I admit that and I plan to lighten up a bit on myself and my healthy diet. Splurges every now and then keep you on track if you do them in moderation. Usually Orthorexia comes on after one has dealt with Anorexia or Bulimia, but sometimes those who have never suffered from an eating disorder can develop Orthorexia. I have a history, but that history does not define my present or my future. I am a work in progress, and I will not let my chaotic mind bully my body or my spirit. I will forge forward with this project, helping others along the way; without succumbing to hurting myself or my self esteem in the process. I will not travel down the path of eating disorder mentality, I  will choose to stand in the crossroads and walk the opposite way.

Yesterday was my weekly workout with Mike, and my running is improving. I ran twice around the park and I did a lot of walking as well. My breathing still sounds heavy but I am definitely improving. We did the TRX and I can feel the sensation of my hard work this morning. I am sure by the time I go to yoga tonight I will be sore. I am very grateful to him for the expertise and for sticking with me as I work towards being in the best shape for me. I am becoming so much stronger, it has now been three months. I feel empowered and the workout definitely helped me deal with the negative food thoughts I had the night before. I am woman, hear me roar,lol. Tonight is my Iyebgar Yoga class with Vladamir at Yogaworks. I love yoga and I have transformed into a true yogi. Wishing you a beautiful day, full of every opportunity life offers you. Good Morning Life.

Namaste’ Love and Light

Taken from Wikipedia

Orthorexia nervosa (also known as orthorexia) is a proposed eating disorder or mental disorder[1] characterized by an extreme or excessive preoccupation with avoiding foods perceived to be unhealthful.[2][3]The termorthorexia derives from the Greek ορθο- (ortho, “right” or “correct”), and όρεξις (orexis, “appetite”), literally meaning a correct diet. It was introduced in 1997 by Steven Bratman, M.D., to be used as a parallel with other eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa. Orthorexia is not mentioned in the widely-used DSM[a], but was coined by Bratman[4] who claims that in rare cases, this focus may turn into a fixation so extreme that it can lead to severemalnutrition or even death.[5] Even in less severe cases, the attempt to follow a diet that cannot provide adequate nourishment is said to lower self-esteem as the orthorexics blame themselves rather than their diets for their constant hunger and the resulting cravings for forbidden foods. [6]


Age 22
Age 30 with James


Age 38 with Melissa

Age 40
Age 45
Present age 46

When I was thirteen I started dancing, and I was told I was too curvy. It was during a period when it was ok for an adult to tell a pre-teen such a statement. That summer started my obsession with not eating. Food had become the enemy. I literally drank diet coke for breakfast, diet coke for lunch, and when my Mother worked my dinner was lettuce with a slice of cheese and vinegar, sometimes I would crumble crackers in my salad. 

On days when my Mother would cook, I would drink my diet coke, (diet coke made me feel chic), and look through cook books at the photos but I would skip dinner. I ate enough to get by, a yogurt here and there, but when you are young it seems like you just have natural energy even without fuel. One time I starved for four days and then took a box of laxatives. Let’s just say my older sister said next time I try such a stunt she would kill me herself. At the age of eighteen my Dr warned my Mother I was headed to anorexia.

I continued this behavior into adult hood, maybe not as extreme but my food issues lingered. My weight sometimes would go up and down. I truly did not start eating normally until I met my husband at the age of 30. But when something would come up those bad habits would come back.
Over the years I have gone back and forth with eating disorders and issues with food. 

When I was older, past the age of 38, my thing was Atkins. I did Atkins to an extreme. I would not let any starches touch my lips except broccoli and romaine lettuce. I worked in a very high volume restaurant in Time Square NYC and my manager used to beg me to just eat a damn biscuit. My brain was not functioning properly and I would forget to ring things in.

Now, I am doing Weight Watchers, and it is the best way for me to eat. I am overweight but I have never ever been an over eater. Weight did not become as big of an issue until I reached 40.  I still struggle with skipping meals, even now. I did it yesterday, after work I wanted to get a workout in, and I had errands to do before dinner. So I didn’t eat anything for lunch. I try to catch myself, but sometimes old habits die hard. I am a work in progress. My best friend Melissa is always on me about this., and I am trying.

So today I am going to work on kicking my bad habits, and I am going to eat. I am also attending another Richard Simmons class, which I am extremely excited about. I love his class, and Richard works you out or else. I have a friend joining me so more photos to follow. My plan is to sustain everything I am doing for the long haul. I have my work cut out for me but I am completely motivated and inspired. Wishing everyone sunshine and smiles.

Love and Light
Be sure to eat