Category Archives: eating disorders

Weight Watchers Online

Sometimes you need help and guidance. I recently started working out with my personal trainer Bethany, my best friend Melissa Benderfitness has amazing fitness and yoga videos I follow, but I was struggling with food. I finally caved in after realizing I can’t do it alone and I joined Weight Watchers Online and downloaded the app. They now call themselves WW and their latest program is called freestyle. It focuses on good nutrition but no food is outlawed.

I’m vegan but occasionally I like vegan fun foods, I can lose weight, have my vegan cake and eat it too. Portion control will help me feel in control, and I will learn to focus again on clean nutrition but not freak out if I have a little vegan treat once in a while. For me WW gives me power over food, anyone who suffers eating disorders understands the power food can have over you. I can’t live like that any longer. Today is my day two and I feel great. This program is livable and sustainable.

My  journey includes fitness. I am doing cardio five to six days a week. I’m working out with my trainer once a week, but soon as I learn what she’s teaching me I will do the workouts 2-3 times a week plus Melissa Benderfitness videos and yoga. I’m on this. I try to do my cardio outdoors when I can, there’s nothing like mobile meditation with nature as your backdrop. Below is me in May 2017 right before my Mom passed away and our move from LA to Houston.  I was in great shape, I did it once, I’m going to do it again. 

Well I’m off for now. I picked a charity for my next ten pound weight loss. I will post soon, I want to use the laptop for that so I can include all of their links. Monday I weighed in at 184.4. It’s ok, I got this. Love and Light to all. We are on this journey together, we can lift each other up as we each go about trying to reach our destinations. The journey is the reward. 

 

 

 

WEIGHT LOSS STRUGGLES

Eating disorders are usually seen as someone who is anorexic and extremely thin, or someone who obviously struggles with bulimia. As a young adult I suffered from eating disorders, I was very thin and dr’s said I was on the verge of anorexia. As time went on my weight stabilized, and it seemed like I was free of my past struggles. I won’t get into much detail of my eating disorder past, this post is about today. 

I have been overweight a few times in my life, the last time before now was in 2013 when I started this blog. Once I got my weight under control it seemed like my obsessive guilty thoughts about food went away, until I gained half my weight back in 2017. When someone looks at someone like me, they never connect I can have an eating disorder. I’ve weighed much more and I’ve weighed much less, but no matter how much I weigh; my eating disorder past comes back when I’m vulnerable and weak, or when life throws me curveballs.

I haven’t been consistent on this blog because I go silent when I struggle.  I’m embarrassed that I’m failing and lost all I worked so hard for. I get motivated and then struggles occur, and again I go silent. I have trouble admitting it’s so hard for me this time around. I’ve been down, then I see people going through much more than me and then I feel ashamed. It’s a vicious circle and I’m desperately looking to get on a more positive path. I want to keep trying until I get it right, I think from now on I’m going to share my ups and downs, my in between and the good and the bad; my middle of my journey. Since January I lost 10 lbs, my current weight is 180. The scale won’t continue to drop until I get myself and my diet and exercise on point consistently. I’m in the gray area, a little stuck and trying to push myself back to living in a Technicolor world.

Food is such a struggle for me. Most people love a good meal, and so do I. The difference is my thoughts about food. I eat healthy most of the time, I probably don’t eat enough. I’m vegan and I eat Whole Foods and plant-based. Once in a while I make a home cooked vegan meal, like spaghetti or a holiday meal. I always overeat spaghetti even if it’s a healthy type of pasta. My husband remarks how good he feels after such a meal, I only feel guilt and disgust. This started again Easter weekend. Special meals make me feel like a failure, so I don’t post here because no one wants to read about someone on a weight loss journey who is faltering. When I eat clean I feel in control, when I eat for pleasure I feel sick after. Not all foods make me feel like this, but spaghetti and holiday meals always leave me on the opposite side of balanced. Afterwards I have trouble getting back on track.

Life has not been smooth here in Texas for the last two years, I won’t get into why but I will say things are really improving. I’m on the verge of really starting over, I just need to get over small hurdles that keep coming my way. My confidence is shot and I need to work on getting it back. I need to work on my food issues, and realized sometimes I can be an emotional eater. I need to get more consistent with all of my workouts because it’s the key to balance. I know what I need to do, I just need to start and not keep stopping. 

Here is a picture of one of my inspirations in life. A beautiful couple I knew from the gym in West Hollywood, CA. She’s a holocaust survivor who’s lived on every continent but one. Every time they saw me they remarked I should be on tv. I always remarked back I needed to lose weight. She always told me embrace your health, when one gets sick they get skinny. Be happy you are healthy. I’m going to really try to work on my health, wellness and fitness. I won’t go silent when I’m struggling. I will try to post the good, the bad and the ugly. I love life-like my friend did, and I’m going to live it as she did and forgive my shortcomings. Love and light to all. 

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

The Shawshank Redemption

 

 

 

MAKING FOOD MY FRIEND

Your body is a temple not a trash can. At the same time, you have to learn to live with food, not without it. It is fine to occasionally eat foods that are not considered healthy. For me, I now follow the 80/20 rule. 80% of the time I eat real, clean food, and the other 20% I allocate a little wiggle room for occasional treats and goodies. I find this plan is sustainable for life and living. I can maintain this forever, and not feel deprived. This is how I am moving forward in my weight loss journey, and my life.

Rose Bruno Bailey

Food, it is a necessity of life, the staple of living. We need fuel to live. Food not only feeds the body but it can nurture the soul. Food can be healing, and it can be addictive. For some food can cause anxiety and fear, how much is too much?  One cannot decide to just quit food and go cold turkey. You have to learn to live with food, to achieve balance, to make food your friend.

For the longest time food was my enemy. When I was age 13 I began dancing, and an adult dance teacher told me I must lose 30 lbs between freshman and sophomore year of high school. That began my journey of making food my enemy. I had eating disorders and spent most of my early days trying to avoid food. You can read about it here. http://mychangeforaten.com/eating-disorder-past/

That post was in 2013. This is now 2017, and I am here to say the old habits came back after that moment. I decided I did not need Weight Watchers after some time, and went at it on my own. I lost my weight, but the old feelings of being obsessive about food came back, in the form of what I was eating instead of not eating. I went from my starving days of yesteryear, to being obsessive over good vs bad foods. Carbs, gluten, sugar, just a little sent me over the edge of guilt and obsession. I think I was bordering on a new eating disorder called Orthorexia. Melissa Bender from Melissa Bender Fitness was the person to suggest this was how I was behaving. She knows my background with food.

melissabenderfitness

or·tho·rex·i·a
ˌ
noun
  1. an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy.
    1. a medical condition in which the sufferer systematically avoids specific foods in the belief that they are harmful.
      noun: orthorexia nervosa; plural noun: orthorexia nervosas

     

I am happy to say here I am in February 2014. I feel like I am back in control of my eating disorders, and I have done so with Weight Watchers Online. Melissa Bender told me she is so happy I am making food my friend, and I am too. I can safely say I am still eating healthy, but I now have a little wiggle room. I no longer obsess with what I am eating, I track it daily on the Weight Watchers App and I am done with it. I eat clean, but I allow some treats here and there. I work the plan each week, and if I feel something is not working, I try something new the next week. I have broken my year long plateau and lost 9 lbs since January 14th, 2017. That brings my weight loss goal closer, I am now 24 lbs from 135 lbs. I will always do this, I will maintain my weight by the points system after I get to goal. I will achieve lifetime status with Weight Watchers, and have a healthy relationship with food.

I am grateful for the food that nurtures me and fuels my body to do the things it loves to do. I will not obsess over bad and good food. I eat clean and healthy yet I enjoy life, and with life comes the occasional treat or celebration. Food is no longer my enemy, food has become my friend. Every Monday, after weigh in I enjoy a treat with my coffee. I do that, and I am still losing weight. I really look forward to the scale, and the treat afterwards.

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I will leave you with this, a quote from the weight loss guru himself.  We miss Richard Simmons. If you would like to hear the number one podcast in the country, Missing Richard Simmons, here is the link. I was interviewed on the last day of Slimmons. I hope Richard is well. https://www.facebook.com/MissingRichardSimmons/

We miss you Richard Simmons.

I’ve always practiced this: Love yourself. Move your body. Watch your portions.

Richard Simmons

 I love myself, I am watching my portions and moving my body Richard. Thank you.

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