Category Archives: depression

WEIGHT LOSS STRUGGLES

Eating disorders are usually seen as someone who is anorexic and extremely thin, or someone who obviously struggles with bulimia. As a young adult I suffered from eating disorders, I was very thin and dr’s said I was on the verge of anorexia. As time went on my weight stabilized, and it seemed like I was free of my past struggles. I won’t get into much detail of my eating disorder past, this post is about today. 

I have been overweight a few times in my life, the last time before now was in 2013 when I started this blog. Once I got my weight under control it seemed like my obsessive guilty thoughts about food went away, until I gained half my weight back in 2017. When someone looks at someone like me, they never connect I can have an eating disorder. I’ve weighed much more and I’ve weighed much less, but no matter how much I weigh; my eating disorder past comes back when I’m vulnerable and weak, or when life throws me curveballs.

I haven’t been consistent on this blog because I go silent when I struggle.  I’m embarrassed that I’m failing and lost all I worked so hard for. I get motivated and then struggles occur, and again I go silent. I have trouble admitting it’s so hard for me this time around. I’ve been down, then I see people going through much more than me and then I feel ashamed. It’s a vicious circle and I’m desperately looking to get on a more positive path. I want to keep trying until I get it right, I think from now on I’m going to share my ups and downs, my in between and the good and the bad; my middle of my journey. Since January I lost 10 lbs, my current weight is 180. The scale won’t continue to drop until I get myself and my diet and exercise on point consistently. I’m in the gray area, a little stuck and trying to push myself back to living in a Technicolor world.

Food is such a struggle for me. Most people love a good meal, and so do I. The difference is my thoughts about food. I eat healthy most of the time, I probably don’t eat enough. I’m vegan and I eat Whole Foods and plant-based. Once in a while I make a home cooked vegan meal, like spaghetti or a holiday meal. I always overeat spaghetti even if it’s a healthy type of pasta. My husband remarks how good he feels after such a meal, I only feel guilt and disgust. This started again Easter weekend. Special meals make me feel like a failure, so I don’t post here because no one wants to read about someone on a weight loss journey who is faltering. When I eat clean I feel in control, when I eat for pleasure I feel sick after. Not all foods make me feel like this, but spaghetti and holiday meals always leave me on the opposite side of balanced. Afterwards I have trouble getting back on track.

Life has not been smooth here in Texas for the last two years, I won’t get into why but I will say things are really improving. I’m on the verge of really starting over, I just need to get over small hurdles that keep coming my way. My confidence is shot and I need to work on getting it back. I need to work on my food issues, and realized sometimes I can be an emotional eater. I need to get more consistent with all of my workouts because it’s the key to balance. I know what I need to do, I just need to start and not keep stopping. 

Here is a picture of one of my inspirations in life. A beautiful couple I knew from the gym in West Hollywood, CA. She’s a holocaust survivor who’s lived on every continent but one. Every time they saw me they remarked I should be on tv. I always remarked back I needed to lose weight. She always told me embrace your health, when one gets sick they get skinny. Be happy you are healthy. I’m going to really try to work on my health, wellness and fitness. I won’t go silent when I’m struggling. I will try to post the good, the bad and the ugly. I love life-like my friend did, and I’m going to live it as she did and forgive my shortcomings. Love and light to all. 

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

The Shawshank Redemption

 

 

 

DO WHAT YOU LOVE

Depression, I think I was depressed for a while. I’m trying to understand the idea of depression. I’m such a happy go lucky person, for me to be depressed is unheard of. The loss of my Mom, leaving my beloved Los Angeles and losing our cat; among other things left me with this void. It’s not something anyone can see, it’s like a numbness. In Los Angeles I was so alive, like life on steroids. Things here in Texas are much slower and with all of what happened I felt my vibration at an all time low. Time to choose to change and raise my vibration.

Recognizing it is the first step. Making goals again and being impeccable with my word is the second step. I am here, posting every single day. My computer crashed, but this time I make no excuses and I make it happen with my phone. I keep a food journal every single day. I can feel already changes in my body. I’m so happy to be back, this is just the beginning. I’m laying the basic groundwork for bigger goals. 

Do what you love, do all things with love. I treat others with love, I should do so with myself. That means never giving up and making the commitment to stick to starting over.

What do I love? I love to write so I keep writing and submitting my work. I want to be a healthy weight loss success story again, and I want to help others. I’m interested in motivational speaking sometime in the future.

After being in the Richard Simmons video and taking his classes, I too want to teach classes. I’m a former dancer and I love dance as much as I love writing. My husband James paid for me to get my American Council of Exercise group exercise certification. With all that has happened I missed my exam, and I was so disappointed in myself. I hit an all time low with that one. 

There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. I was told I still have one year to take my exam. Do what you love. That’s my motivation for me going forward. Round two is underway and going strong. 

It’s time to study. Do all things with love, for yourself and for others. 

So much love and light.

Namaste’

Rose


 

 

WEIGHT LOSS THROUGH STRESS

Happy Friday to all. I’m doing a lot of soul searching and thinking this week. If you know me, I’m a firm believer of the law of attraction. This week seemed to spiral in the negative direction. Once we started to focus on something that happened early in the week everything just seemed to go downward. It’s like they say, if you wake up and stub your toe and believe it will be a bad day it will. You are what you believe. I’m trying to change that. Fall nine times, get up ten. 

Time to make like a GPS and yell recalculating as loud as I can. One thing that has been positive is I’ve stayed true to my word to blog and to stick to my weight loss and health regimen. I lost 5 lbs my first week and I’m very dedicated. I’m working out again. I’m taking my frustrations out on the treadmill.No matter what happens I’m not giving up. Goal or bust. 

We can’t change the outcome of certain circumstances but we can change our thought process. We even may find some clarity to take necessary risks with our future. Sometimes you have to just jump and see where you land.

Breathe in, breathe out 

love and light

Namaste’

Rose 

 

MINDSET

Happy Thursday to all. I’m still blogging from my phone. Not having a working computer is not a setback for me. I’m just adjusting to whatever tools I have on hand. I committed to blogging daily again, and I will do so no matter the obstacles. It’s really helping me stay on track with my food. I’m on it, I’m accountable, I’m not perfect, but I’m doing it every single day. It’s not easy to do this on the phone, the keyboard is sensitive so if things look less than stellar my apologies. 

Mindset. Even though I’m really doing great with my food I admit this week my mindset is struggling. So much stress this week since we got back, so much to think about and decisions to be made. I admit I’m completely overwhelmed and had quite a few crying moments this week. I’m trying to pull myself out of this quagmire I’m in. That means exercise and sleep. This week my sleep has been compromised and when you are fatigued you cannot think clearly. 

I had a chat with one of my dear friends. He reminded me how strong I am. He said for me to be able to stay so focused on eating clean is a big accomplishment. I have to admit he’s right. I’m staying the course, I did the standard American diet crime and gained the weight but that’s in the past. I’m getting back to being the person who started this blog; strong yet not perfect, but one who doesn’t give in or give up. 

Day seven since I’m back. Seven days at being accountable to my word. I love the book the four agreements and the quote from the author. I will leave you with this. 

Always be impeccable with your word. 

Don Miguel Ruiz

Love and light

Namaste’

Rose

 

 

 

 

TOMORROW IS NOT PROMISED

Our cat Max was sleeping in his cat bed today, we call it his baby bed. We bought his bed for him months ago after we adopted him. It was a month after we lost our beloved Siamese cat Rascal when we saw an advertisement that someone was giving their Siamese cat away. We were not looking to replace Rascal, but I felt compelled to adopt this particular cat.  He was declawed on all four legs and something told me he needed us as we needed him.

Max has been a healing force in our lives and a friend to our other Siamese Spanky who was severely depressed when Rascal passed. Seeing him so happy and relaxed in his  baby bed made me so happy. It is such a little thing but probably at the same time a very profound moment. I am happiest in the simplest of moments and despite the sadness and challenges of life these moments sustain me to go on no matter what. Through the sorrows, the failures, the challenges, the loneliness for friends and family we miss; these moments sustain our happiness.

Speaking of ‘no matter what’ we got the tragic news today about the passing of my hubby’s aunt Jan. We are deeply saddened for his Mother, his uncle Keith and the children and grandchildren. Life is so precious and limited. I cannot wrap my head around loss, I can only go on the best that I can sharing love to all those closest to me and trying to make a little difference in this strange experience we call life.

I will eat clean today, and continue on with my goals despite emotions and sorrow.I am not giving up nor am I using bad news to go on an eating free for all.  Losing a loved one is a reminder to go forth with as much vigor as I can muster because life is about now. Today is now, tomorrow never shows up; it just keeps getting pushed into the mysterious void of the future. I cannot touch tomorrow, but I can feel the warmth as I sit here on my patio listening to the waterfall beneath me. The clouds here in Texas feel so close I can almost touch them. The clouds feel less elusive than tomorrowland. 

I understand for many going forward is not as easy, those who suffer from mental illness and depression. Many cannot bounce back as easy and many do not share how they really feel. Someone you may believe is a survivor and strong may be faltering. Reach out to those you know are going through challenges, you never may know how truly needed it really is.  Like everyone on social media I was shocked to hear about Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain. Someone may seem to have it all and inside they are unraveling.  Just reach out and be there, and someday someone will do the same for you. 

Love and light to all, love and light.

Call 1800-273-8255

 

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

 

 

 

 

STARTING OVER

Happy Thursday and happy health to all.

I had an epiphany yesterday. I have been held back by my ego, my vision and memories of all my weight loss success I had on this blog. I was really doing it, than life literally kicked me in the caboose.

To move forward I have to realize it is for my health and fitness, and accept I slipped. I need to quit focusing on my appearance and do it because it is what I love and the end reward is health. Of course looking great is a bonus but I am not going to put the emphasis on my appearance. Looking at photos from one year ago just makes me sad and stagnate. I finally had my husband James take new before photos and I plan to really get to work on my fitness. These are the only before photos I will take for three months. 

It has been a year and I gained thirty of the sixty pounds I lost. I also lost my fit body because honestly I have not lifted a weight in a year and my cardio sessions have not been consistent. I own it all and now I am starting completely brand new. This blog is now my new journey with my starting weight of 188 lbs.

We got some bad news the past week,more than one bout with bad news. That’s the thing about bad news when it is about other people than yourself, you have to keep it private even on a public forum as a blog. So not only am I starting over, I am starting over after life decided to kick but again. It is ok, kick me down and I will stand back up. 

My tools for working out this time around are simple. Melissa Bender Fitness, my hubby James who works out daily, and the gym and pool where I live. Everything else is up to me this time around. Making it happen this time after all of the challenges is going to mean so much more. I am not yet on hypothyroidism meds and I am trying to tackle this without it for now.

Here are the photos, no more shame. I own this and will succeed round two. I admit looking at these brings tears to my eyes. That is motivation enough to push hard. Thank you to all for the support and I hope I can start losing weight again and help some charities along the way. Love, light and truth. 

WEIGHT LOSS AFTER LOSS

15841776_10154786151543617_2143646322_n

Losing a loved one knocks you down,and then you get back up and the memories knock you over again. It is a never-ending cycle, this grief stuff. I guess I just need to navigate my way around the emotional grenades and go on, and we must go on. 

Losing weight after losing a loved one, this is what is on my mind at the moment. Nothing knocked me down, nothing until I lost my Mother. I made it to my lowest weight on this journey, 159 lbs and I did it through a move from LA to San Francisco, my husband’s job loss and a move back to LA. I kept going through all of those life changes, and life did not break me and I never gained a pound. I kept losing and I am proud to say I did it, until the last month.

Now life after losing my Mother left me with a few pounds of extra weight. I admit I fell of the wagon. That’s the thing about wagons, they keep going, you just have to catch up and jump back on. I am committing to my healthy lifestyle and workouts and goals, it is not easy now. Our new kitchen is barely set up but I can do this. It starts today, I know how to do this and I know how to get to where I am going. I am back on the wagon and on the road to all of my goals. I will lose the 10 lbs I gained and get to my goals.

I am about to run to the grocery store, my hubby James is working and we need something healthy to eat. I am going to wear my runners belt and run there even with this heat and humidity. I plan on making a schedule soon, and tomorrow I have an interview to work in a local restaurant for some extra cash for my goals and our new life. I will post my workout/running/yoga schedule once I begin my job and new routine. No more slacking off. 

18920276_10155255878553617_6227207059609535930_n

I would love to know how you kept working towards your goals through a life crisis. What tips do you follow to keep at it? We are all here to inspire each other.

So much love and Light

Rose

CRISIS CHALLENGES

It is Thanksgiving week and it never escapes me how lucky I am, despite being in what seems to be a long-term financial crisis. I keep dieting and exercising through my challenges. This week we had yet another disappointment, but I am not going to allow myself to wallow in my woes. I took a moment yesterday, cried in my coffee over conversation with my dear friend Mary. I shared with her some things that concern me about being in a financial crisis as a weight loss blogger. My friend is a fixer type of friend, she is completely giving and the kind of person who tries to come up with solutions to your issues. She is amazing and I am lucky to have her around the corner. I am thankful indeed for all of my friends, family, my husband James and our beloved Siamese cats Rascal and Spanky. I am thankful for life.

I decided to do a quick post and share my thoughts and concerns about being in a financial crisis and how it affects my blog, These thoughts are ridiculous to me when I type them up, but they are my feelings. Being in a financial crisis puts a limit on a lot of spending. If you know me, you know I am more interested in helping others, in reveling in nature than I am about material possessions. With that said, everyone likes nice things, and I am not immune to that fact. If you follow fellow weight loss bloggers and well as fitness bloggers it seems a lot of the things they post I cannot post because of my situation. I feel like I do not measure up. This is not a pity statement, rather a way to get it out and share and to come up with other ways to be a motivational weight loss blogger during my lean time. I love that I said lean, because despite my crisis, I can say I accomplished my lowest weight on my blog. I did it even though there were times I wanted to dive head first in a vat of chocolate cake batter. It has been five months without a cheat day, and I have one more month to go. My workouts are at www.benderfitness.com which are all free. My equipment is weights, a mat and again a pair of worn shoes. Here are my silly concerns and how I am moving past them. I keep moving.a02b9032-b84b-415f-b804-150a63cc676414705636_1268334023212061_7219886695795970552_n

  1. My running shoes have seen their best day. I almost did not go to the last Richard Simmons Slimmons class out of embarrassment. I shared this in a private group, and the beautiful support that came my way through the Slimmons family taught me I am not an embarrassment. Someone even kindly offered to mail me shoes his wife has never worn. That touched me but it was not why I posted it, I just felt the need to vent. I am grateful to him and the whole Slimmons family, and as I type I am sporting my proudly worn Asics and my new Nike’s that were gifted to me. I am proud of all my steps. I am proud where these shoes have been, and where I am going.15073486_10154639242963617_6508711910709230700_n15078580_10154628087623617_8586468506395100455_n
  2. Instagram is filled with photos of people posting work out gear. I love nice work out clothes too, so I love liking the photos. I cannot do that now, and that is OK. I will find other ways to share my journey. So I am at my lowest weight on my blog and I am not clothes shopping. It will come soon enough, perhaps when I hit my ultimate weight loss goal. For now I keep keeping on and staring as trees as I run in my worn shoes. This gives me something to work for and something to look forward to. Perhaps a fun photo shoot when I finally reach that elusive weight loss goal of 135 lbs. The new clothes can wait, I am refocusing on the work. It is all about the hard work, the health and the wellness. And of course the connections with people.12592393_10153807006948617_2827822076568560780_n
  3. Races. I have done a few and I wish to do more. They are not cheap.  I  hope to run in a race in the new year. In the meantime, I will maybe do a virtual race and ask my followers to run along with me virtually. In 2015 I ran across the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco and that was such a high on national 4/20 day. I can find another place to do a run here in LA, some place that really is special. As long as I keep running in my worn shoes I will reach my dream destination. I am a work in progress.unnamed-15
  4. Recipes and Food. Lately I have fallen off the wagon with cooking and shopping for groceries. We are keeping our diet simple, and I eat a lot of my meals at work. I tend to rely on the same fast and healthy options. It does not leave me much time or money to make elaborate recipes and that is OK. We have food, we eat healthy, we are grateful. Tonight I am off and trying a couple of healthier autumn treats. I am going to bake apples and make a baked sweet potato with just a few pecans, marshmallows and banana. I will post these budget friendly recipes. I can do one or two new recipes a week. I love shopping at thrift stores and finding treasures on a dime. This is my vintage Cuisinart food processor that I made black bean brownies with. 13731689_1191796280865836_7205266471736481432_n
  5. My Blanket Drive. I wanted to hold a boot camp to raise blankets for the Midnight Mission in LA for the Homeless. This is my next charity. I ended up sick and I have an injured rotator cuff so this felt like a failure to me. The game may have changed, but the prize is still the same. I am collecting blankets for the homeless and I will continue to do so from now until I deliver them to The Midnight Mission in December. It is getting Cold here in LA and the blankets are needed. Here are my thoughts on blankets for the homeless.http://mychangeforaten.com/1750-2/ I am getting to my goals despite the issues and nuances of life. My best friend Melissa Bender called me Mulan today. I am a warrior fighting my metaphorical huns. Much love and light, I am thankful for you. Happy Thanksgiving to all. Remember to treat your body like a temple but still enjoy life. It is the holiday so it is totally acceptable to indulge and share delicious fare with family and friends. Try to watch your portions and maybe get out for a walk or run. xocirque11

WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

Oprah Winfrey

e5966221-6abc-4d16-8446-1f1663771232

Good Afternoon, hello sun!! Wednesdays from now on are going to be called weigh in
Wednesday. I have lost another 3 lbs and that brings my weight to 172.6. If you have followed my blog my lowest weight I achieved was 165 lbs, so I am still up a little from that number. I have decided to do things my way, after all I know what I am doing, I just needed to find my way back. I am going to combine my usual clean eating ways with Weight Watchers Online. It is a good way for me to watch my portions and to track everything I eat. I will feel in control and if I slip up a little on my program, I will just track it and be done. I am eliminating most processed foods like I have done the whole time, but I will not kick myself for the occasional slip up. Food is not bad or good, it is just food. With that said, I know what makes me feel good and look good, I know what works for my body type. I am happy to be back on the weight loss route again. 

 

I am doing this despite my challenges. We all have challenges, I am trying to rise above mine and work towards my goals and at the same time tackle my personal challenges. My next charity will be announced as soon as I work out the details. I plan to do it in June, when I finally get to my next goal of 164 or less. I am also going to do a future post on Grocery shopping when your funds are very limited. Now, this may not work for kids but for adults who wish to make a change and fear they do not have enough money for healthy groceries this post will be for you. I will also post my workout and running routine as I get back at it.

Each day I get a little better, and the consistency is helping. Today I am off from work and I am Siamese sitting for a dear friend, and I plan a getting a run in and perhaps some swimming. Next week as I shift to getting back on track I will go back to incorporating Melissa Bender Fitness workouts. I am so grateful to be back in Los Angeles and now I must move forward and get going to my goals. Change can be good, but it can slow you down. The key is recognizing it and starting again. There is no shame in starting over. Get those endorphins going with some upbeat music and soon it will seem like second nature again. That is my plan.

I may seem a little more melancholic than usual, but trust me I am on the road back to my usual optimistic self. I am taking baby steps and learning balance. 

Much love and light to all,

Namaste’

Rose

 

BEGINNING AGAIN

“Your real life starts the moment you start questioning everything you thought was a constant.”
― Mark Fahmy

Good Monday Morning World, Monday you have come a calling again. I woke up today contemplating change, and new beginnings. I have decided to begin anew on my blog and start as if this is the very beginning. This time it’s not going to be as effortless. I am at the half way mark, and I lost my way somewhere along my journey. Admitting this is far from easy.

In my last post I mentioned I gained over ten pounds during the transition of my move from San Francisco to Los Angeles.  I have been through a lot of change in the last year and a half, and I believe I swam the murky waters and landed clean on the other side. But with all changes comes new challenges, and this time around I have some financial burdens to deal with along with my weight struggles. I am much better off than I was in the San Francisco Bay area, but I still have those nagging money issues that hold so many of us back. I promised myself even though I have these challenges, I will start again on my weight loss/fitness/philanthropy journey. I will be much more consistent and never give up. I admit my the last few weeks I have been depressed, and I am here openly admitting this and trying to overcome what holds me back.

If I keep stopping every time life throws me lemons I will never have fresh squeezed lemonade when summer arrives. I need to get back to being optimistic and hopeful. I started this blog in the summer of 2013, and here I am again in May 2016 picking up the lemon rinds and trying again. How many of you have done this exact same thing over and over?  What is it about daily life issues that derails us?  My plan is to start again and keep going despite what happens in my personal life. I am making myself accountable here and now.

Speaking of lemonade, my next ten pound charity will be a lemonade stand for a wonderful organization here in Los Angeles. I will announce who I am doing this for in a future post. My current weight is 175 lbs. My lowest weight I achieved on this blog was 165. I plan to do this charity after I lose another ten pounds. I actually plan on waiting until I weigh 164 lbs, so I can get to my lowest weight so far on this blog. That is my next goal and I intend to make this happen. I am a forever work in progress, but I will hike over this hump and get back to doing what I do best. 

Tomorrow I weigh in, and Tuesday’s will be my official weigh in day for now.I am going to be incredibly honest about the scale, and also post new full length beginning photos. This is exactly like it was in 2013, I just weigh a lot less than I did then. I guess I am not a complete failure. 

I have been running but not as often as I should, so I plan to post my running schedule and workout schedule soon. I am working, but looking for something closer to home. My intention is not to let my job and possible transition affect my plans. To keep going and going and never stop. I have lost a lot of strength so this is really like beginning again.

Ready, set, go. Today is a new day in my new home, and today is a good day. Much love and light to all. I am ready to come out of the darkness and face the warmth of the light here in sunny LA.525109_10151430247528617_1780460651_n

“All great beginnings start in the dark, when the moon greets you to a new day at midnight.”
― Shannon L. Alder